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Man’s Only Remaining Source Of Pleasure Is Being Mad In The Car

BOSTON—Smiling contentedly after flipping off a bicyclist, local man Arthur Graham reported Monday that his only remaining source of pleasure is being mad in the car. “These days, nothing brings me joy quite like laying on my horn the first millisecond a light turns green, before the car in front of me even has time to react,” said the married father of three, rocking back and forth with frothy rage as he waited briefly at a stop sign for a pedestrian to cross. “I’m just grateful I can find little pockets throughout the day to do what I love, whether it’s on my commute to work during rush hour or in a congested parking lot while running errands. Even after all these years, I still get such a rush from driving on the shoulder to get around some dumbass—it still feels how it did when I was 16, bright-eyed and hopped up on No Doz. There’s nothing quite like the warm fuzzy feeling you get seeing the red screaming face of another stupid piece of shit driver calling you a ‘fucking prick.’” At press time, Graham reported finding an even deeper sense of joy from taking out windshields with a Louisville Slugger.

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