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More Cities Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts

SEATTLE—In a nationwide survey published on waste management, University of Washington researchers confirmed Wednesday that more U.S. cities are now providing citizens with special disposal bins for cursed artifacts. “Enchanted talismans and hexed amulets can have damaging effects if their black magic seeps into the environment, which is why cities have supplied new bins allowing for their proper disposal,” said report coauthor Prateek Sandoval, explaining how these accursed items from ages past are dangerous to throw into landfills as they can often cause junkyard dogs to develop supernatural powers, or end up in the ocean where their magic pollution awakens ancient beasts like the Great Leviathan. “When placing just a single cursed totem into regular recycling bins, some residents will see the dead rising out of their front lawns, which is why it’s important to have these enchanted bins on every corner. Charmed items take eons to decompose, as many of them were crafted by huge malevolent deities long before the time of man. Make sure to thoroughly wash these cursed items before placing them in the bins as well, as this helps prevent any spectral residue from making the artifacts combine powers to bring about the apocalypse.” At press time, researchers demonstrated the proper method of using the disposal bins while chanting a protection ritual and sacrificing a goat.

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