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Nation Unable To Quell Insatiable Appetite For All Things ‘Mank’

NEW YORK—As increasingly panicked authorities worried that even the Oscars wouldn’t slow down the delirious phenomenon rapidly sweeping the country, several reports confirmed Wednesday that the nation was unable to quell its insatiable appetite for all things Mank. “Frankly, we’re in the midst of a Mank mania right now, and even more troubling, the Mank train shows no signs of slowing down,” read reports from cultural trend-watchers on the explosive adoration for the 2020 film Mank that had gripped an increasingly hysterical U.S. populace, citing evidence of what is increasingly being called a “Mank moment” that ranged from the deluge of Mank memorabilia to popular TikTok channels where viral stars acted out scenes from Mank. “Frankly, we’ve never seen anything like how absolutely crazy everyone’s gone for Mank. Everywhere you look, from billboards to teenage girls’ bedroom walls, there are pictures of Mank star Gary Oldman, and fashion trends indicate that everyone wants to look like Mank. Even small children have been spotted with Mank backpacks. Easily half of new internet content is about Mank as news sites desperately try to fill their readers’ unquenchable thirst for Mank, and we expect that to increase due to the fervor surrounding the new cryptocurrency Mankcoin. We’re also witnessing the rise of Mank-caves, where men hang their Mank posters and drink cocktails based on those consumed in Mank. And it’s not just America; China and India are going absolutely hog-wild for Mank, and we anticipate Mank mania growing even larger after the release of the new ‘Mank Anthem’ collaboration by Drake, Bad Bunny, and Travis Scott, as well as the debut of the McDonald’s MankBurger and Kraft’s Mankaroni and Cheese. Given where we assume things are headed, there’s certainly no question that 2021 will go down as the year of Mank.” At press time, FBI officials revealed they were following up on credible reports of several political assassinations being planned by increasingly delusional devotees convinced of a new global order heralded by the arrival of Mank.

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