LAWRENCE, KS—Boasting a functioning door and a cardboard box with free bandages, sources at the University of Kansas confirmed Thursday that the training gym and locker room for its NCAA female athletes were three loose garbage bags next to a couple old lawn chairs. “This facility is one of the best in college women’s athletics. Right over there we got a brand new leaky pipe, and the wall has been painted a uniform grey color within the last decade,” said athletic department spokesperson Felix Becker, who noted that the dirt lot outside the gym could be used for sprinting and contained several rotting logs perfect for weight training. “The garbage bags are ideal for storing personal items, and if you need to do a little extra cardio, you can use the loose electrical cords as jump ropes. The state-of-the-art lawn chairs provide a great place to rest as long as you don’t sit with your full body weight. We’re even looking at investing in bringing in a few rocks to toss around. Most high-level gyms don’t have that.” Becker added that if any athletes wanted to clean up after their workout, it usually rained about once a week.