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NFL Gravediggers Rush To Field To Bury Unconscious Player

WASHINGTON—After a particularly bad hit to the head left a member of the Commanders unresponsive, NFL gravediggers were seen rushing to the field Sunday to deliver last rites and bury the unconscious player. Several reports indicated that the crew, which drove out of the stadium tunnel in a burgundy and gold hearse, consisted of pallbearers, several brawny men with shovels, and a priest. According to sources, the NFL gravediggers cleared FedEx Field of athletes, dug a 6-foot-deep hole in the ground, checked the player for signs of life, and dropped his limp body into his final resting place. The priest reportedly turned on his microphone and delivered a 30-second eulogy. As coaches, teammates, and fans watched with bated breath, witnesses confirmed that the concussed athlete briefly gave a thumbs-up, but soon collapsed again, at which point the gravediggers proceeded to pick up their shovels, buried him under several feet of dirt, covered the hole with a fresh layer of sod, and quickly placed a Commanders-themed headstone emblazoned with “One Legacy. One Unified Future” at the grave site. At press time, over 67,000 spectators at FedEx Field were heard cheering wildly after a second player was knocked unconscious, picked up on a stretcher, and thrown into a mass grave on the Commanders sidelines.

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