BEAVERTON, OR—Warning customers to return the garments should they find themselves being drained of all fluids, Nike recalled thousands of sweat-wicking shirts Tuesday that inadvertently pulled gallons of liquid directly from wearers’ bodies. “If you or anyone you know puts on a Legend Dri-FIT short-sleeve training shirt and then immediately shrivels into a dried, wrinkled husk, please contact Nike for a full refund,” said spokeswoman Jessica Garland, who apologized directly to customers who purchased a moisture-wicking shirt, only to have every ounce of sweat, urine, and blood sucked out of their body. “You may think it’s okay to wear these shirts for a routine workout at the gym, but be warned—after five minutes of use, you could lose up to 40 pounds of water weight. Even if you wear it to sleep, you could wake up as nothing but a pile of desiccated flesh lying in a puddle.” At press time, Nike was forced to issue a second apology after news broke of a million-dollar lawsuit alleging their compression tops had crushed the torsos of athletes into an infinitesimally small speck of dust.