Friday, June 21, 2024
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Oil And Gas Lobbyists Happy To Fill In Rest Of Nation On Who Mike Johnson Is

WASHINGTON—Claiming the new House speaker to be one of their nearest and dearest colleagues, oil and gas lobbyists told reporters Thursday they would be happy to fill in the rest of the nation on who Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson is. “Mike is just an incredibly humble guy, so the public might not be aware that he’s an amazing climate change denier who we can always count on to downplay any effects it has on the environment,” said lobbyist Dale Barrineau, explaining that the obscure “energy champion” they’ve come to know and love has an impressive 100% rating from the pro-fossil fuel American Energy Alliance for his dedication to opposing legislation that would hold oil and gas companies accountable for damage to citizens’ health and his passionate commitment to cut funding for the Environmental Protection Agency. “While outsiders may not be familiar with the congressman, Johnson is already a bit of a celebrity in our industries for consistently putting our needs for fewer regulations over those of his constituents. And he does so out of the kindness of his heart, plus $240,000 in campaign contributions since 2018. Where other people see an anonymous, backbench lawmaker, we see a paragon of virtue who can help us advance our agenda.” Barrineau expressed confidence that they had no doubts that Johnson would become an even better partner as House speaker because of the immense amount of blackmail the industries already had to inspire him.

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