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Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors, Republican senators told reporters Friday that they would weigh all evidence before lifting President Donald Trump into the air and carrying him outside on their shoulders. “Look, as senators, we swore a solemn oath to deliver justice, and I intend to abide by that precisely as we use this trial to scrutinize the facts and then determine exactly how—and indeed, if—we will storm into the Oval Office, hoist the delighted president aloft, and regale him with spirited rounds of ‘Hip, hip, hurray,’” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, noting that his awesome responsibility as the chamber’s majority leader required him to tamp down on any partisan speculation on whether Senate Republicans would rush to raise the president up onto their shoulders while singing “He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” or if Senate Republicans would opt for a more stately procession in which they conveyed the recently acquitted Trump past each and every Democratic congressperson’s office. “Unlike some of my liberal colleagues, I understand my solemn role in this trial is to examine all the information at hand before passing judgment. Then, and only then, can we know whether it’s a reasonable course of action to deploy some form of red-white-and-blue confetti while repeatedly tossing President Trump into the air. Until then, it would simply be irresponsible to comment on whether or not we will incorporate party horns, noisemakers, or a big cake covered with lit sparklers into the proceedings.” At press time, Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin had commended McConnell on his commitment to impartiality as they came to a swift conclusion on whether or not they should cue up Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” on the Senate’s speaker system.

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