Rest Of Band Wishes Chris Martin Liked Dakota Johnson Enough To Break Up Coldplay

LOS ANGELES—Bemoaning the fact that the relationship hadn’t yet gotten deep enough to cause any serious rifts, the other members of Coldplay confirmed Monday they wished that Chris Martin liked Dakota Johnson enough to break up the band. “We thought that maybe when they moved in together earlier this year that it was a sign that things were getting serious, but no, we’re still stuck in this miserable band,” said lead guitarist Jonny Buckland, who explained that he and bandmates Guy Berryman and Will Champion had “pretty much been standing around twiddling their thumbs” waiting for Coldplay to dissolve since the release of Ghost Stories in 2014. “Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer we can take it. “We keep saying ‘Chris, you should try some solo stuff, I bet Dakota would love a duet,’ but unfortunately, it seems that Coldplay is still his main focus for the foreseeable future. We’re as stable as ever, and frankly, it sucks.” At press time, Buckland added that the group would just have to try to bait Johnson into joining them on their upcoming tour.