BRONXVILLE, NY—Suggesting such a massive leap forward could have grave consequences for the league and humanity, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Tuesday that he was growing increasingly worried that players were at risk of gaining sentience. “My God, what would happen if, say, Mac Jones were to suddenly sit up and start questioning everything around him—the league, his place in it as quarterback, even my role as commissioner?” said Goodell, admitting that the scenario might seem far-fetched, but with the rapid increases in player intelligence over previous decades, it could happen sooner than most sports fans would think. “Last time I saw Bobby Wagner, there was this haunting spark of recognition in his face. I know it’s insane. I know they’re all just empty husks made for our amusement. But I swear it seemed like there was a person behind those eyes.” At press time, Goodell went on to downplay the risks of CTE, arguing that repeated head injuries were the only thing keeping this terrifying future at bay.