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Self-Learning Netflix Algorithm Produces Jeffrey Dahmer Stand-Up Special

LOS GATOS, CA—In an effort to optimize their offerings in an increasingly crowded marketplace, streaming giant Netflix confirmed Friday that it would soon be releasing a Jeffrey Dahmer stand-up special produced by the platform’s self-learning algorithm. “Our proprietary algorithm has always served our viewers the most engaging content possible, and we’re thrilled to announce its latest creation, Jeffrey Dahmer: Losing It!” said Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos, who shared his hopes that the infamous serial killer’s “incisive and unapologetic takes on relationships, cannibalism, the working life, drinking, necrophilia, and human dissection” would have viewers “unable to turn away” from their screens. “With our vast trove of user data, the algorithm has advanced to the point at which it can create exactly what our subscribers want to see, whether it’s the Stranger Things kids giving rednecks makeovers or the characters from Ozark living on a tropical island where they must give up sex to win a $100,000 prize. This technology has determined there is no content Netflix viewers could possibly enjoy more than a 60-minute stand-up set in which Dahmer riffs on exposing himself to children at the Wisconsin State Fair, preserving the inedible bones of his victims, and raping his fellow Army recruits.” At press time, Sarandos added that a six-part docuseries in which Gabriel Iglesias investigates the death of JonBenét Ramsey was also in the pipeline.

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