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Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time

LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and hundreds of hours of video of her 39 Major title matches, it’s clear Serena has employed two rackets since her professional debut at the ’95 Bell Challenge, granting her a substantial and patently unfair competitive advantage,” said ITF president David Haggerty, acknowledging that the speed and fluidity of Williams’ swings had long confounded tournament organizers, line judges, and opponents alike. “We initially launched an investigation into the matter in 2009 after receiving several anonymous complaints, but results were inconclusive; we now suspect that Serena was holding one racket behind her back during our otherwise intensive questioning.” In a related report, Tiger Woods has been stripped of his 14 major titles after officials discovered Woods has been playing golf with two clubs in each hand.

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