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Somewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse Player

SPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects Thursday after a somewhat athletic couple gave birth to a potential Division III lacrosse player. “Man, knowing who his parents are, Callum could be in the 60th, 65th percentile in terms of raw speed, and I could easily see him coming off the bench for some tiny podunk school’s lacrosse team,” said family friend Victor Wood, adding that anyone with a mother who had played two years of JV soccer and a dad who had recently started jogging again had a promisingly uninspired athletic career ahead of them. “With those genes, he’s going to be at least, what, 5-foot-9? I mean, his dad played garbage time in his small high school basketball team’s blowout losses, for crying out loud. And we still talk about how merely adequate his mom is at those Pilates classes she sometimes goes to. This kid has a chance to get a bench role on some D-III team that doesn’t offer scholarships, and if he works hard enough, you never know, maybe he’ll be a decent center-right fielder on an over-30 softball team someday.” Friends of the couple confided to reporters that they hoped the new parents would try to get their newborn son involved in sports, since there wasn’t much going on as far as their intelligence genes were concerned.

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