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‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

BROOKLYN—Stressing how happy they were to make a difference back home in Sparta or wherever, Brooklyn residents told reporters Wednesday that they genuinely felt great about voting absentee in “whatever dumb Ohio town” they hailed from. “Yeah, I’m really glad I sent in my ballot to whichever Podunk Rust-Belt town I grew up in before I moved here for that publishing job,” said 27-year-old Brandon Hill, echoing the sentiment of thousands of fellow Brooklynites who were either from Grafton or Granville or maybe Gallipolis in noting their vote would matter so much more when it was counted alongside the hayseeds and townies they grew up with. “There were definitely lots of corn fields or potatoes where I grew up….or maybe soybeans? Honestly, who the hell knows? There were definitely some fields. Either way, it’s great to feel like I can make my voice heard somewhere between Appalachia and the Rocky Mountains. Really great.” At press time, Brooklyn residents went on to emphasize that they had “no clue” on who to vote for as county creek examiner or whatever-the-fuck and just winged it.

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