TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium, turmeric, zinc—I can go right down the list, and all I see are failures and losers who choked with the game on the line,” the 44-year-old quarterback was heard to yell, insisting in a lengthy kitchen tirade that he had a last-ditch game-winning touchdown drive in him but apparently couldn’t count on calcium and fish oil to do the bare minimum to help him win. “Goddammit, you two—[B]6 and [B]7—it would’ve been nice if you contributed anything before halftime so we wouldn’t fall so far behind. I expect this kind of shit out of apple cider vinegar, but not my goddamn enzymes. And my omega-3s. I trusted you guys, we’ve done this a thousand times, and now we’re not even going to the Super Bowl? What the hell am I keeping you around for if you can’t do what it takes when I’m depending on you? Huh? You stupid fucking capsules, you make me sick. And don’t even get me started on the seeds. Where were you when I needed you most, seeds?” At press time, sources confirmed Brady had thrown his entire collection of nutritional supplements in the trash and declared that he was going back to steroids.
