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Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores, including ceding at least the city of New York and potentially the entire state in order to meet the virus halfway and spare the rest of America from further suffering,” said Trump at a press conference, adding that his understanding of what the coronavirus wanted led him to believe that New York’s 54,000 square miles and nearly 20 million residents would be sufficient to placate the respiratory disease. “We’re not in a good situation right now, but I think we can find a solution that will make me happy, make the American people happy, and make the virus happy. This is a win-win and everyone gets what they want. This is a big, big change, but in the end we’re going to like the final result. I think this is a sacrifice everyone is willing to make. The virus should know that we respect where it’s coming from and how dangerous it is, which is why we’re offering a very big state. This is a very smart virus and it will know a good deal. I’d take this deal if I were the virus. Some of my advisors suggested Rhode Island or New Hampshire, but I know that won’t be enough. We’re hoping the coronavirus will be reasonable. We’re hoping that if we give the coronavirus New York that will be enough and it will go back to China or Italy or wherever it came from. Maybe we’ll throw in New Jersey as well.” New York governor Andrew Cuomo said he was willing to work with Trump but that ceding the entire state to the coronavirus was too much, and asked if he could reduce the offering to just the state’s prisons and migrant detention centers.

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