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Woman Hopes She Did Enough Worrying To Help Biden Campaign

ERIE, PA—Waiting on tenterhooks on the eve of the election, local woman Elise Stalter expressed her hope Monday that she had done enough worrying to help the Biden presidential campaign. “I’ve been panicking pretty much every day for the last few months, but now that there’s only one day left, I wonder if I could have done more,” said Stalter, admitting that while she had regularly taken to the streets to collapse in a puddle of despair, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she could have gone even further with her mental breakdown. “I’ve been sending out texts telling everyone I know that I’m constantly on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack, and I’ve spent hundreds of dollars supporting a variety of self-soothing products. Now I just pray that I’ve experienced enough existential dread to make a difference.” At press time, Stalter consoled herself that she still had almost a full day to slip into a catatonic state.

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