AUBURN HILLS, MI—Struggling to meet the expectation she alone had set for herself, local woman Lindsay Dishon’s entire self-worth was now dependent on her ability to achieve an unrealistic goal by a completely arbitrary deadline, reports confirmed Thursday. “Oh my God, I’m such a loser, I can’t even [live up to an impossible, self-imposed standard that was probably never feasible to begin with],” said Dishon, who had reportedly tied her entire identity to writing a draft of a novel in three months, a time frame she picked more or less at random and without any consideration of how long it might take to complete the many tasks her project would require. “What’s wrong with me? How am I supposed to look myself in the eye when I [am unworthy of respect, having not immediately succeeded under conditions that were, at best, wildly impractical]? I’m a total garbage human being.” According to sources, Dishon later curled up in the fetal position and panicked about being a failure who had let everyone down, despite no one else knowing anything at all about what she was doing.
