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‘You Know, If I Were You, I’d Go After Finland,’ Says Biden Trying To Dissuade Putin From Invading Ukraine

WASHINGTON—In an effort to dissuade the Russian leader from invading Ukraine, President Joe Biden reportedly told Vladimir Putin Wednesday, “You know, if I were you, I’d go after Finland.” “Ukraine’s cool and everything, but Finland has, like, an eighth of the people and twice the GDP—it’d be a breeze to annex, really,” said Biden on a phone call, hoping to avert a global crisis by convincing Putin that out of all the bordering countries Russia could possibly attack, the small Scandinavian nation had the most “bang for your buck.” “Look, I’m not trying to step on your toes; I’m just reminding you that you’ve got options. Why would you want a Slavic country anyway? You’re already a Slavic country; it makes no sense. Honestly, I doubt if they would put up much of a fight. Plus, I just Googled Finland, and wow, it looks beautiful. You can’t visit Santa Claus Village in Ukraine.” At press time, Biden added that invading Finland would also put Putin perfectly in position to invade Sweden.

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