Wednesday, May 15, 2024

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M&M’s Announces 1 In Every 100 Candies Acts As An Abortion Pill

MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s...

Survey Finds Nearly 6 In 10 Wealthy Americans Living Fraud To Fraud

WASHINGTON—Noting that the most opulent were under constant pressure to make cons meet, a survey by the Pew Research Center released Monday revealed that...

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Tech and Gadgets

Brown-Nosing Coworker Never Shows Up Drunk To Meetings

COLUMBUS, OH—Slurring their words while issuing a barrage of loud complaints, coworkers of local brown-nosing employee Kathleen Morris told reporters Wednesday that she never...
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Fantasy Owner Struggles With Morality After Absolutely Swindling Friend In Last Place

NAMPA, ID—Stewing with anxiety and unable to sleep while fretting over what he was capable of, local fantasy football owner Max Sheridan was struggling...

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‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Standing in the freezing rain at a site adjacent to Gillette Stadium, a stone-faced New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was heard to...

‘Sesame Street’ Introduces First Enigmatic Muppet Who Has Yet To Reveal True Intentions

NEW YORK—Renewing their commitment to diverse representation, the producers of Sesame Street introduced the show’s first deeply enigmatic Muppet character Thursday, a fuzzy, frail,...

Investors Worried AI Could Leave Shred Of Humanity Intact

SAN FRANCISCO—In a roundtable discussion about the technology’s promise and possible pitfalls, Silicon Valley investors noted Thursday that they remained concerned that AI could...

Missing Charles Darwin Notebooks Returned With Mysterious Note

A set of rare notebooks filled with notes by Charles Darwin have been anonymously returned to the University of Cambridge, over 20 years after...

MLB Announces Second Pitch Clock

NEW YORK—Following the successful rollout of the pitch clock this season, MLB officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 season would feature a second pitch...
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WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the hurt he had caused, President Donald Trump apologized Tuesday for describing the House impeachment inquiry as a “lynching,” saying he had been...
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