CHICAGO—Unable to tell the group of acquaintances how he really earns his living, Meta employee Alex Kondell reportedly stated Monday that he works as a guard in a private prison for disabled children. “I actually left Meta forever ago—yeah, I’m much happier now, ” said Kondell, who, too ashamed to admit he stills works as a Facebook software engineer, chose instead to inform the circle of people he was chatting with that he has a job “throwing food scraps through the bars of cages and screaming at handicapped children to eat.” “We got all kinds of kids incarcerated: 16-year-olds with Down syndrome, 5-year-olds paralyzed from the neck down. Yep, you bet we beat them! It’s pretty chill. I’m so glad I left big tech.” At press time, sources confirmed Kondell was consoling himself with the thought that it was really only a white lie considering the kinds of things Meta does.