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Labor Department Announces Plans To Stop Counting Jobs And Just Enjoy Economy

WASHINGTON—Vowing to never again make the same mistake, the U.S. Department of Labor announced Friday that they would stop obsessing about counting jobs and just enjoy the economy for what it already is. “We’ve gotten so caught up with the whole jobs counting thing over the years that we forgot to appreciate all that the economy offers us right here and now,” said Secretary of Labor Marty Walsh, who proceeded to tear a copy of the latest U.S. jobs report in two and throw the scraps in the air before pronouncing that it was time for everyone to simply live and let live. “Look, we’ve done this bean counting grind every month for, what, eight decades? And where has it gotten us, huh? The jobs report is just a number. What’s really important is how the economy makes you feel. I mean, how many jobs does a rainbow make? How about a rainstorm? Do you dig what I’m putting down here?” At press time, Walsh was encouraging the newly laid off employees of the Bureau of Labor Statistics to take a deep breath and live in the moment.

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