BATON ROUGE, LA—Calling it a harmless fib to fit in and let him do his job without distraction, former Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he never actually believed in God. “All that God crap, I just said that to get the job—I mean we all fudge our resumes a little bit, right?” said Kelly, who claimed that all the prayers he participated in at the Catholic university where just an empty show to placate his bosses. “I mean, you want me to believe there is some sky man controlling everything we do? It’s all superstition, I couldn’t believe those people actually thought Jesus had anything to do with football. We’re all just basically bags of meat, everything is meaningless, and God is dead.” At press time, Kelly was promising LSU fans that he absolutely believed the program could overtake Alabama as the dominant force in the SEC.