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CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage

DES MOINES, IA—Reaffirming their commitment to facilitating a civil, constructive event, CNN moderators reminded Democratic debate participants Tuesday to keep personal attacks off the stage in favor of the new confessional cam backstage. “We want to have an honest discussion about policies and positions, so if you have any vicious insults or cheap shots you want to take, we ask that you hold back until we have you mic’d up and sitting somewhere cushy,” said moderator Wolf Blitzer, who added that in the offhand chance candidates didn’t have anything negative to say, a CNN producer would be able to assist them by offering them a glass of champagne or shot of tequila and some helpful prompts. “Verbal abuse will not be tolerated on the debate stage, but if you want to call Pete Buttigieg a spineless little bitch in front of the confession cam, we ask that you please go off. Voters have an important choice to make, so we ask that you let any unpleasant feelings build up inside of you until you have the opportunity to get backstage and explode. Crying for an hour and then falling asleep in front of the confession cam is simply standard debate etiquette.” Blitzer added that the footage would be shared in a two-hour-long special following the debate.

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