WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True Method Karate Studio. “We simply cannot allow what happened last year to ever repeat itself, which is why from now on we’ll be meeting up once a week to study the martial art of karate with Howard-sensei,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who stood barefoot on the dōjō mat among his fellow lawmakers, practicing making a seiken proper fist before moving through a variety of basic stances. “After last Jan. 6, we just felt so powerless and humiliated. This will be a great way to not only gain back our confidence, but be ready to defend ourselves with kicks, punches, and blocks in the event there’s ever another insurrection. Plus, it’s a whole lot of fun!” At press time, sources confirmed the class was seething with envy after Sen. John Hickenlooper (D-CO) became the first to receive his yellow belt.
