FAIR OAKS, CA—Admitting they didn’t understand what on earth was behind the decision, several Democratic National Convention speakers told reporters Thursday that they couldn’t believe party leadership was giving a prime-time slot to Joe fucking Biden. “We’ve got this stacked lineup—Michelle and Barack Obama, Gretchen Whitmer, Gabby Giffords—and the best they can do for the main event is Biden? Joe Biden? What the hell is going on?” said California governor Gavin Newsom, echoing concerns several other convention speakers had confided to reporters that basically anyone else would have been a better choice to close out the convention than the six-term Delaware senator. “This whole event is supposed to be about inspiring people about the future, and with all due respect to the former vice president, giving him a big speaking spot just isn’t going to cut it. I can see putting him in somewhere in the middle on one of the earlier nights, like right before Billie Eilish performs or maybe have him do a short pre-recorded 30-second clip where he talks about how he loves the country or some shit like that. There’s going to be all this momentum building with the earlier speakers, and then they expect Joe goddamn Biden is going to bring it all home? Give me a fucking break.” Several Democratic speakers told reporters they were still holding out hope that Biden would drop out of his speaking slot before the evening and it could be given to someone better.
