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Every Table At Local Applebee’s Populated By Different Militia

JACKSON, MI—With camouflage-clad members gathered in corner booths and at high-tops throughout the restaurant, sources confirmed Wednesday that every table at a local Applebee’s was populated by a different militia. “Yeah, so those are the Boogaloo Boys at table 3, Michigan Home Guard over near the door, and then Patriot Front actually booked the entire backroom,” said server Elena Harris, who rushed to deliver the usual order of Philly Cheesesteak Egg Rolls to the Central Michigan Civil Defense militia as members leaned their AR-15s against the bar and ordered cocktails. “I’m not hearing them discussing anarcho-capitalism or kidnapping anyone, which is nice. We told them if they wanted to talk about that stuff they should leave it back at their headquarters.” Harris went on to note that virtually every paramilitary group had expressed similar excitement about the return of Dollaritas.

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