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Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson’s Will

MALIBU, CA—Rushing to his home after hearing news of the conservative mega-donor’s passing, hundreds of GOP legislators reportedly crowded into a sitting room Tuesday for the reading of Sheldon Adelson’s will. “I was really distraught to hear about Mr. Adelson’s passing, but I also wonder what he’ll have left to me—after so many years of working for him, I think it’s the least he could do,” said Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), jostling for space with fellow Republican senators Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Susan Collins, Rick Scott, Thom Tillis, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, President Donald Trump, and dozens of GOP representatives who had worked for the deceased business magnate over the years. “Of course, I’m hoping for one of Mr. Adelson’s Super PACs, but I’d settle for a few million dollars. I just hope he remembered all the good I’ve done for him and how faithfully I’ve executed his vision over the years, and doesn’t get swayed by some of these johnny-come-lately Republicans who only started working for him in his final years. I think there’s enough to go around, but I hope they read it quickly before more people get here and it starts getting contentious—oh, great, [Israeli prime minister Benjamin] Netanyahu just showed up.” At press time, Cornyn was trying to hide his frustration after the executor announced Adelson had willed him Mitt Romney’s 2012 presidential campaign.

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