WASHINGTON—Clutching his briefcase and keeping his eyes averted as he approached, President Joe Biden rushed past an intimidating circle of senators smoking weed on the Capitol steps, sources confirmed Friday. “Excuse me, folks, just trying to get through here,” said the commander-in-chief, reportedly holding his breath as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) blew smoke in his direction and laughingly offered him a toke from a lit joint. “Oh, uh, no thanks, haha. I’m running late. Plus, uh, I heard that stuff can make you go crazy.” At press time, a hyperventilating Biden was reportedly lying on the floor of the Oval Office trying to come down from a contact high.