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Olympic Divers Tormented By Hawks That Built Nest On Nearby Platform

TOKYO—Citing the distraction of large raptorial birds with wingspans of up to 5 feet, multiple Olympic divers told reporters Wednesday they struggled to complete their events after being tormented by a family of black kite hawks that was nesting on an adjacent platform. “My God, someone make the screeching stop—it’s horrifying!” said Team USA diver Katrina Young, who described how the birds of prey kept circling the pool during the women’s 10-meter platform preliminaries, waiting for their chance to swoop down and start pecking at the athletes whenever they surfaced. “I can’t even complete my approach without getting slashed by a talon, let alone focus enough to pull off a reverse three-and-a-half somersault tuck. These poor animals probably think we’re trying to steal their eggs or something, but for fuck’s sake, I’ve trained my whole life for this. Now the platform’s covered in blood, and the pool is turning a deeper, darker red. So much darkness and so much blood and nothing can ever, ever wash it away.” At press time, witnesses confirmed a hawk had snatched up one of the Australian divers and flown away with her.

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