Oscar Attendees Flee As Actors Featured During In Memoriam Segment Crawl Out Of Screen, Devour Gary Oldman

LOS ANGELES—Screaming in terror at the approaching hordes of hissing, red-eyed former celebrities, attendees at the 93rd Academy Awards fled Sunday as the actors featured during the ceremony’s “In Memoriam” segment crawled out of the screen and began devouring Gary Oldman. “Oh Christ, now Aaron Sorkin’s lying in a pool of his own blood while the horrible, ravening mouths of Jerry Stiller and Ian Holm lap it up,” said nominee Vanessa Kirby, stabbing her heel into the skull of a lumbering, moaning Wilford Brimley before rushing towards the exit. “It all happened so fast, the documentary short nominees never stood a chance against Kirk Douglas. Fuck, it’s carnage, absolute carnage.” At press time, a skittering Jessica Walter had dropped from the ceiling above Kirby and punctured her jugular.