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Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans would swap democracy for a $100 Best Buy gift card. “Our research found that 72% of Americans would agree to give up all free and fair elections in the U.S. forever in exchange for a $100 certificate they could use to purchase a new Bluetooth speaker or couple Keurig coffee makers,” said Pew pollster Dana Felder, who noted that an overwhelming 90% of Americans stated that they would eagerly surrender their First Amendment rights without a second thought for a chance to rummage the bin of discounted DVDs and Blu-rays at the front of the store. “Sixty-five percent of the survey respondents stated that they would choose to live in an autocracy as long as they received free shipping, and another 55% of Americans responded that they would gladly abandon democracy for as little as a 15% off coupon from Bed, Bath, & Beyond. The remaining 28% of Americans who said they would not swap democracy stated they would only do so for a gift certificate to a nice local bakery.” At press time, Felder confirmed that the results were the highest they’d been since 1996 when 80% of Americans stated that they would live under an Islamic theocracy in exchange for a $50 gift card to Radio Shack.

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