Tuesday, April 23, 2024
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Ron DeSantis Requires Florida Residents To Reinforce Bones With Steel, Concrete

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Warning that the weak, calcified structures were particularly susceptible to critical failure, Ron DeSantis announced Wednesday that all Florida residents would be required to reinforce their bones with steel and concrete. “Starting today, all men, women, and children will be mandated to shore up their skeletal systems with columns, beams, and joists made of builder-grade cement and rebar,” said the governor, adding that residents would no longer be permitted to enter buildings, traverse bridges, or use any part of Florida’s crumbling infrastructure system unless all 206 bones in their bodies had been properly inspected, updated, and cleared by professional structural engineers to withstand over 10,000 tons of force. “Unfortunately, we’ve found that there are millions of residents currently living with outdated bones that, unbeknownst to them, will crack and splinter under the weight of a collapsing structure. Especially if your spine, skull, and ribcage have not been properly reinforced since the ’70s or ’80s, we urge you to bring them up to code immediately, lest you be fined, or worse, be crushed to death.” At press time, DeSantis added that zero state or federal funds would be diverted to the efforts, and all surgical reinforcements would have to come from Florida residents’ pockets.

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