WASHINGTON—Democratic leaders announced Wednesday that they have learned the words “systemic racism” and that they were very excited to have done so. “We have been informed of the phrase ‘systemic racism,’ and, beyond that, we plan to use it in several sentences,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in an impromptu press conference that also included House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and DNC Chair Tom Perez, who all echoed the fact that they have seen these two words next to each other on a sheet of paper given to them by aides, have read that sheet of paper, and will proceed to repeat those words both in conversation amongst themselves and with reporters. “We understand that it is a phrase, and we will include this phrase in sentences we speak. In fact, you might see us on television using this set of words very soon. All of this is to say that today, we have discovered two new words that we are supposed to use. That’s all.” At press time, the Democratic Party had announced a bold new initiative to combat systematic rhotacism in 2020.