AUSTIN, TX—Calling the move “an important step in protecting the unborn,” Texas lawmakers passed legislation Thursday banning residents’ access to tall staircases in an effort to prevent women with unwanted pregnancies from getting any ideas. “We are proud to affirm the sanctity of life with this bill prohibiting anyone in the state from using staircases with over 12 steps,” said Governor Greg Abbott, confirming that Texans would be required to use an elevator or escalator for all buildings above two stories in an effort to prevent any mothers-to-be from getting it in their heads to try and pull something. “We hope to expand on this legislation in the near future with additional prohibitions on intensive exercise, heated jacuzzis, vitamin C, imported soft cheeses, and, obviously, all metal wires and coat hangers. We are also encouraging residents to report any women they see in line for a roller coaster before they can try any funny business.” Abbott added that pregnant women who were underage or the victims of incest would still retain the option of shooting themselves in the gut with a rifle.