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Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our bid for the nomination, and I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart to please, please stop giving to my campaign so I can just end it already,” Biden wrote in an email sent to every individual, corporation, and political action committee that has contributed to his campaign, adding that with their generous help, they could help put him out of his misery at this “crucial juncture” right before the Nevada caucus. “I’m going to be honest with you. We’re being outpaced in fundraising by the other campaigns, and that is great, because I am very, very tired and ready to admit defeat; so please, whether you have $1 or $100 to spare, don’t send either. I know I can count on you to support me as I head back into retirement and try to pretend none of this ever happened.” At press time, sources confirmed Biden began openly weeping when he received a $4 million surge in donations.

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