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CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt

NEW YORK—Unrolling yet another bolt of quilter’s weight cotton as vote tallies poured in from across the country, CNN seamstresses reportedly worked frantically Tuesday night to update county-by-county results on the network’s massive electoral map quilt. “Dammit, we’ve got an upset in the Adirondacks and only 25 seconds till we’re back from commercial—who has the red satin thread?” shouted senior needlework editor Marilyn Evers, 62, who used a seam ripper to tear out the blue stitches surrounding a sparsely populated county in upstate New York that had unexpectedly flipped in favor of President Trump. “Also, it may come down to the wire, so we need to have both a red and a blue poly-blend Florida backed with fusible interfacing. Let’s have that shit ready to iron on the map as soon as it’s decided. And let’s use some scraps of that adorable polka dot fabric Ellen brought in to appliqué a question mark on North Carolina so that Mr. Tapper will have something to point to when he announces it’s still too close to call. Oh, and by the way, if I look up at that screen tonight and see a state without properly bound edges and mitered corners, someone’s gonna lose their job. This is CNN, for fuck’s sake!” At press time, sources confirmed Evers had completed an intricate, hand-embroidered donkey in the southeast corner of Florida just in time to announce Broward County had gone to Joe Biden.

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