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Democrats Spooked By Loss In Virginia Vow To Work Twice As Hard To Muddle Their Agenda

WASHINGTON—Unsettled by the party’s dismal performance in the Virginia governor’s race, Democratic leadership vowed Wednesday to work twice as hard in the coming months to muddle their agenda. “Last night was a wake-up call that we need to refocus our efforts on alienating the American voter with vague goals and incomprehensible messaging,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, advising Democrats from Congress on down to commit themselves to a party-wide effort to baffle new voters with confusing language and a borderline inscrutable agenda. “Make no mistake, we heard Virginians loud and clear about what we need to deliver. So if there’s a popular section in our legislation, we will cut it. If any of our candidates attract a genuine following, we will work to marginalize them. And if we somehow manage to do something people actually like, we will make sure it’s so buried beneath an avalanche of easily avoidable fuck-ups that no one ever hears about it. Simply put, Democrats need to get out there and make it clear that we can’t find our own ass with our hands.” Schumer went on to say that it would be extremely difficult to sell a more muddled message than “Build Back Better,” but that this has always been where the Democratic Party shines.

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