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Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

WASHINGTON—When the life of the newly inaugurated 78-year-old president was threatened Wednesday, Secret Service agent Marshall Cole did not hesitate to dive heroically in front of the strong breeze that could have felled Joe Biden, according to reports from the scene. “I wouldn’t have accepted this detail with the new administration if I weren’t willing to take a moderate gust of wind for the president,” said Cole, who appeared completely unscathed by a direct hit to the chest from a breeze that came within inches of Biden and might have caused the president to lose his balance and fall, potentially breaking a hip or suffering a stroke from which he would never recover. “I felt a gentle wafting of air coming up the West Front of the Capitol, and when I realized it was heading straight for the president, I jumped into action immediately. But I want to stress that I only did what any other member of this agency would have done in my position. We all underwent extensive training beforehand to ensure no stairs, uneven surfaces, damp chills, or prolonged exposures to sunlight would endanger President Biden. Obviously, if a light drizzle had begun to fall, we would have rushed him to a secure location immediately.” At press time, Biden had reportedly been hospitalized after he fell backward and collapsed beneath a medal of valor he was trying to bestow upon Cole for his courageous actions.

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