Tuesday, July 23, 2024
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Trump Panicking After Realizing Fingerprints All Over White House

WASHINGTON—Feeling agitated and desperate with less than 24 hours on the clock, President Donald Trump was reportedly panicking Tuesday after realizing his fingerprints were all over the White House. “Oh God, I touched everything—there’s no way we have time to get this whole place cleaned,” said Trump, who emptied a bottle of bleach over the Resolute desk as he and a team of aides worked frantically to scrub every surface, doorknob, and square inch of the building of evidence the president was ever there. “Geez, what was I thinking? This is such a rookie mistake. I should have been wearing gloves these past four years. Oh God, and there are cameras too, aren’t there? Someone get Roger Stone over here. Maybe it’d be easier to just burn the whole place down.” At press time, Trump was carefully planting a couple of Melania’s hairs in the Oval Office.

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