WASHINGTON—Casting an eye towards the next presidential election, Republican party leaders had reportedly begun a search Tuesday for a new prissy little shithead who would be able to compete against Trump in 2024. “We’ve obviously had a wonderful relationship with President Trump, but we feel our interests may best be served by a different whining, prim fuckface to lead the party forward,” said RNC chair Ronna McDaniel, confirming that the GOP would be looking at figures from politics, media, and law enforcement in an effort to find a candidate with the right mix of froufrou aesthetics and raging assholishness to build on and expand Trump’s base. “We expect this to be an exhaustive process, as the most obvious prissy little shitheads such as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio have not caught on with the American public as we had hoped, though fortunately, we have thousands of effete fuckwads who are clamoring for the position. Whoever we finally select, voters can rest assured it will be a little fancy man absolutely ravaged by insecurity and self-loathing.” At press time, McDaniel added that if they could not find such a person, equipping Donald Trump with a different messaging strategy could make him a great candidate for 2024.
