Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one’s home was a great way to boost its resale value. “An analysis of market trends clearly shows that a house is worth much more anytime George Clooney has been squatting in an unfinished upper level of the residence,” said real estate agent Suzanne Erazo, who added that homeowners can expect a 10% year-over-year rate of appreciation even if they simply lodge the Michael Clayton star within the eaves of a dwelling, occasionally allowing him to sneak down and steal scraps of food from the trash at night. “Conventional wisdom may say double-pane windows or granite countertops are the way to go, but those enhancements pale in comparison to the return on investment you get from having George Clooney scrounging around up there and watching everything you and your family do through the air vents. Mr. Clooney can also cause property values to rise throughout an entire neighborhood, given the vagrant Oscar winner’s habit of moving from one home to another under cover of darkness, his motives and odd proclivities a source of bewilderment to all.” Erazo stressed that this advice applied only to Clooney and that anyone with an infestation of Afflecks in their attic should contact an exterminator immediately.