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Panicking Aides Finally Locate Biden At Wrong Venue Following Cirque Du Soleil Performers Onstage

LAS VEGAS—After frantically searching for the former vice president in the hours leading up to Wednesday night’s debate, panicked campaign aides reportedly located Joe Biden at Las Vegas’ Treasure Island Hotel, where the candidate appeared to have followed a Cirque du Soleil troupe onstage. “There he is, up there—those circus clowns are tossing him back and forth,” said visibly relieved senior adviser Anita Dunn, waving her arms at the seven-term former U.S. senator, who was attempting to make an impassioned speech about his legislative record despite being severely entangled in aerial silks and dangling 50 feet in the air. “Even if we got him down from there right now, we still wouldn’t make it to the debate venue on time, and he does seem to be shouting his most important talking points at the guys playing those big Japanese drums and the two musclemen flying around on bungees. To be honest, I haven’t seen him looking this coherent in a long time. Why don’t we just let the vice president have a nice night for once?” At press time, Biden was overheard berating a unicycle rider he “didn’t like the looks of” from the confines of a large, whimsical birdcage.

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